My Morning Routine? Check the Obits – If I’m Not Listed, It’s Going to Be a Great Day
Let’s talk about morning routines.
Not the kind with meditation, green juice, and affirmations in the mirror.
We’re talking about the real kind.
The kind that starts with one crucial question:
“Am I dead?”
And the only way to know for sure?
Check the obituaries.
Because yes — my morning routine isn’t yoga.
It’s mortality verification.
I wake up.
I grab my coffee.
I pull up the local paper’s obituary section.
I scan the names.
No me?
It’s going to be a great day.
It’s not morbid.
It’s optimism with a side of realism.
Because if you made it through the night?
That’s not just survival.
That’s winning.
☕ The Ultimate Morning Checklist (That Doesn’t Include “Be Grateful”)
Let’s break down the real morning routine of a modern survivor.
1. Wake Up (The First Victory)
You open your eyes.
You’re not dead.
That’s win #1.
You don’t need a gratitude journal.
You need a survival checklist.
2. Check the Obits (The Official Confirmation)
You go online.
You search your name.
No match?
You’re still in the game.
It’s not paranoia.
It’s due diligence.
Because if the world thinks you’re gone, you might as well be.
3. Celebrate the Win
You don’t just move on.
You acknowledge the miracle.
You say: “I’m alive. And I’m not on the news.”
You do a little dance.
You high-five the dog.
You pour a second cup of coffee.
Because today isn’t just another day.
It’s a bonus round.
📸 Real-Life “Not Dead Yet” Moments That Went Viral
Let’s look at some legendary examples of people who celebrated their continued existence.
🧓 The Grandma Who Called the Newspaper
An 85-year-old woman sees her name in the obits.
She calls the paper.
She says: “I’m not dead. And I’m very upset.”
They say: “Our apologies.”
She says: “You owe me flowers. And a cake. And an apology in the paper tomorrow.”
It gets national coverage.
Caption: “The most powerful comeback of 2024.”
👨 The Man Who Posted “Still Alive” on Social Media
A man wakes up.
He checks the obits.
He sees a name like his.
He posts: “For the record, I am not dead. I’m just tired.”
His friends flood the comments:
“We knew you were faking it.”
“Rest in peace… until tomorrow.”
And he laughs.
Because being alive is the best punchline.
🏥 The Patient Who Walked Out of the Hospital
A man is misdeclared dead.
He wakes up in the morgue.
He walks out.
He says: “I came here for a check-up!”
The hospital apologizes.
He says: “Just add it to my bill.”
And the internet says: “This man is unkillable.”
🧠 Why This Mindset Is Actually Healthy
Because deep down, we know:
Laughing at death isn’t dark.
It’s liberating.
When you start your day by checking if you’re dead?
You’re not dwelling on the end.
You’re celebrating the now.
It’s a reminder that:
- Life is short
- Every day is a gift
- And if you’re not in the obits?
You’ve got time to make it count.
So yes — it’s a joke.
But it’s also perspective.
And sometimes, the best way to appreciate life is to imagine it’s already over.
📣 Final Thoughts
So yes — my morning routine? Check the obits.
If I’m not listed?
It’s going to be a great day.
Not because I’m special.
Not because I’m lucky.
But because I’m here.
And that’s enough.
So the next time you wake up, skip the affirmations.
Just check the obits.
And if your name’s not there?
Celebrate.
Because you’ve already won.
And that’s exactly what “Fun Source” is all about.
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